3/13/09 11:22 pm
it feel JUVENILE.
Never mind its a reminder your hormones are still kicking and alive.
Sigh. I definitely gravitate to tall and dark guys, WHY?!!!
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Dear God, only You would know how I feel now, how discouraged am I, how stressed am I. Am I making too much a fuss? Crying every single day is useless. Who would come n help me out of this whole entire thing? God, I don want to be a doctor. I can't handle it by myself. I can't control my emotions, I feel so lost, so sad. I blame myself for her condition. I know its a team effort but only if i was a bit more aggressive, would it be like this? I am lost. I don't know who am I. I can't handle the responsibility. Dear God Father, why would u do this to me? What am I suppose to do? God, please give me some encouragement, tell me how to hold on, help me to hold on. I can't handle this myself. I need You. Please show me what to do. Father God, if it is Your will...help me do Your will. Help me oh God. So many things runnin thru my head. I'm so anxious so feeling inadequate. What could I say, oh God? I want to just sit down n quit. I'm sorry for not giving thanks to You oh God for the good things You have done for me oh God. Forgive me for being like this. Why didn't u let me go to church today, oh God?
yuck, raw veggie juice really packs a kick but i promised myself to treat myself better
my keyboard is sot like mum;s laptop. tomorrow have to bring both to karamunsing masuk computer hospital. really annoying how sensitive this laptops are these days
I'm addicted to ebay. Aim: CD saddle bag. wat can I say? i'm a sucker for unique looking stuff which can be actually worn
my new nokia n82 is still not in use. it is a nice phone though. light as a feather!
i havent start studying. I'm sooo in trouble.
met some of the housemen officers in church last saturday. Developed a crush on the guy sat next to me. Gentleman. Cute. Doctor. Uuuhh...i thought i would never have a crush on somebody again. Another growing pain but..kinda fun. Makes me remember all the past crushes in my life. Oh well...it makes a nice 5 min daydream. No more, no less. LOL
When on earth will my surat induksi come? Hallet said I should sleep all i could. I did and now I want to use my brain!
My secret career ambition: Stock Options Broker. I actually like finance.
Heard some awful things today.
Betrayal. Discrimination. Downright evil and malicious.
Too horrible to even understand why people are capable of. To think you ARE surrounded by people like this chills your blood.
One thing for sure, this place has taught me more about reality of this world more than medicine.
Tentacles of the civil war in Sri Lanka is evident in Niznhy Novgorod, Russia.
I hate packing...especially the part which ones to leave behind. I should have just gave all my clothes to mummy to bring back. My books weigh a ton. Plus the cleaning. I think I'm coming down with a flu..for all that dust flying around.
Really.. I hate packing. How could anybody fit everything into 20kg baggage limit?
I feel sad leaving this place. It taught me so much.
Tired..but so many stuff to take care before I leave.
fiona says:
madeleine...r u busy?
Madeleine says:
no
Madeleine says:
wats up
fiona says:
i need a clear perspective
fiona says:
God's perspective
fiona says:
I am really confused
fiona says:
right now
fiona says:
today we had Pead GOS
fiona says:
and I got 4
Madeleine says:
ok
Madeleine says:
yep
fiona says:
AGAIN.
fiona says:
and I am getting bitter about it
fiona says:
as in......................I dont get it
fiona says:
I don't get the lesson God wants me to learn
fiona says:
I tot the lesson was not to put worldly success infront of Him
fiona says:
and ....last saturday when I was angry for getting a 4 for internal GOS....God sent me this phrase also in Genesis...where He said to Cain...why r u angry n why r u downcast..if u did what is right, then won't u be accepted
fiona says:
today...i think i got a mixtures of lessons
fiona says:
1. I learned that, Holy Spirit is with me. And Jesus is with me until the end of days
fiona says:
2. His grace is the thing made me go on...God is the one who gave me everything
fiona says:
3. I just felt the panel were soooo UNFAIR. When I see people who designated to get a red diplom from internal medicine got a 5 for peads without knowing how to asnwer their questions...i felt bitter
fiona says:
its like...i'm these 2 persons in one
fiona says:
and I'm asking God...didn't I study enough? didn't I do the right thing? did I do something wrong? Am I being punished?
fiona says:
or worse...didn't I believe in You? or Am I asking for the wrong things?!
fiona says:
frankly...i know i don't really care about a red diplom, but I do care about justice.
fiona says:
I don't want to b bitter and angry. I tot I was over it by Sunday after internal exam
fiona says:
but today...everything jumbled up my understanding again
fiona says:
to tell u the truth...I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO THINK NOW
fiona says:
n that's dangerous becoz the devil can throw me a blow straight at me now n leave me in ashes.
fiona says:
i am wondering.........what on earth God wants me to learn? why is He doing this to me ...TWICE!?
Madeleine says:
i was wondering if God was punishing me too
Madeleine says:
but i feel like God wants to bring me to an end of myself
Madeleine says:
that ive been relying on myself too much
Madeleine says:
that its not me it's HIM
Madeleine says:
God wants to do a thorough work in me
Madeleine says:
down to the very depths of my very being
Madeleine says:
he taught me sth last week when we were having the mcqs, that it's only by His grace
Madeleine says:
that i can't do anything of myself
Madeleine says:
i can't do the right thing without Him
Madeleine says:
it's His grace that's keeping me n will keep me
Madeleine says:
n im wondering didnt i learn my lesson why did my results turn out this bad
Madeleine says:
coz i know if He had wanted He could have given me all 5's
Madeleine says:
nothing is too hard for Him
Madeleine says:
n u reminded me that God makes no mistakes
Madeleine says:
He knows what He is doing
Madeleine says:
i don't know why
Madeleine says:
i don't know why He allowed this to happen
Madeleine says:
but i only know who He is, that He's faithful
Madeleine says:
this has been and still is a test of faith
Madeleine says:
whether in this time i can still trust Him
Madeleine says:
whether i can still sing His praise
Madeleine says:
do His work
Madeleine says:
it's His refining fire burning thru me
Madeleine says:
burning away d rubbish in my life
Madeleine says:
it's what i've asked for and He is doing it
Madeleine says:
there's no way to grow without pain
Madeleine says:
no refining without pain
Madeleine says:
john 15
fiona says:
Test of faith n refining , I tot that was my lesson last GOS exam. Today I went it relying on God. But I don't understand why He doesn't want me to have that 5 for peads
fiona says:
Maybe God want to melt me down more
Madeleine says:
yeah
Madeleine says:
n to teach us to trust in who He is, that's He is faithful, that He is good, despite the circumstances
Madeleine says:
purify us
fiona says:
How come my heart is bitter towards those people?
Madeleine says:
you have to choose to let this make u better n not bitter
Madeleine says:
it's a normal human reaction
fiona says:
i was thinking...God is doing this now because He needs us to be more focused on Him in very near future.
Madeleine says:
yes
Madeleine says:
for a building to be tall the foundation has to go down deep
fiona says:
Roots like the mighty oak tree that shows the splendor of the LORD
Madeleine says:
Madeleine says:
was just thinking that this life is not about us
Madeleine says:
not about how we will succeed
Madeleine says:
but we're here to reflect Him
Madeleine says:
if we haven't been thru failure or heartbreak how do we minister to ppl who are going thru it
Madeleine says:
sometimes we've to walk the path to show ppl how to walk it
fiona says:
hey...i was just reading that too...that we are a window not a mirror.That God comforts us so we can comfort others
Madeleine says:
Madeleine says:
by the witness or two or three a thing is established
fiona says:
Isn't it funny when hardships come, especially lessons that need to be learnt spiritually...there is always some things happening to make u distracted from God?
fiona says:
like me...trying to learn the lessons of being slow to anger...somebody come up n twist the knife and commented y couldn't I get a 5 for internal GOS
Madeleine says:
like Jesus being nailed to the cross for things He didn't do and someone says if you are God come down from there
Madeleine says:
and laughing at Him
Madeleine says:
being identified with Christ
Madeleine says:
if my master shld be laughed at, what about His disciples
Madeleine says:
and yet if we die with Him we shall also live with Him
fiona says:
Its starting...isn't it? Bearing the cross part
fiona says:
i notice that God knows the levels of maturity we have in Him
fiona says:
and when we push thru, He puts us into another higher level of maturity knowing Him
Madeleine says:
Madeleine says:
fix ur eyes upon Him
Madeleine says:
Job found comfort in who God is
Madeleine says:
in all His questioins God thru Elihu showed Him who He is
Madeleine says:
that God has been there since the beginning of time who are we to question Him
fiona says:
yeah! NO mistakes.
fiona says:
i
fiona says:
am looking foward to today
fiona says:
and tomorrow
Madeleine says:
Madeleine says:
Heb 13:12 So Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through his own blood. (RSV)Heb 13:13 Therefore let us go forth to him outside the camp and bear the abuse he endured. (RSV)
fiona says:
thanks madeleine
fiona says:
u ministered n gave me understanding
fiona says:
thank u
Madeleine says:
thank u too
Madeleine says:
now i'm sure God has a purpose in all this
fiona says:
yeah.
fiona says:
We just have to walk thru the doors He open for us
Madeleine says:
yep
Thank God. He gave me a friend and lead me to understanding to His purpose. I am thankful. God is great and merciful to me.
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There are no “normal people.” Everyone deserves judgment. We are fallen creatures under a spiritual curse in a fallen world (Romans 8:18-23). Apart from God’s grace, hell is our natural state of being. Apart from God’s grace, this world would be a place of unmitigated horror and suffering.
In the natural world, a desperate struggle for survival defines existence. The strong survive by dominating or devouring the weak. Apart from God’s love, humans would never rise above the level of the law of fang and claw. An idealistic person might reject the natural order and try to establish a higher definition for good and evil than mere survival, but the weight of fallen reality would crush him. The meaninglessness of his efforts would be a vivid example of hell’s power.
Many people consider the ideas of heaven and hell too abstract to make a difference in their lives. They think it is hard to even conceive of hell and heaven, much less to be influenced by the fear of future punishment or desire for future reward. But before they dismiss the reality of heaven and hell, they should think a little more carefully. Heaven and hell are confirmed by daily experience.
Human experience affirms that virtue, honesty, and discipline are usually rewarded, while laziness, carelessness, and dishonesty bring trouble. Young children have a limited attention span with little capacity to be drawn to anything not of immediate interest. But when children become teens and adults, they are more aware of the future. The realities of life show them that the accomplishment of anything that matters requires faith, self-discipline, and work. An adult who lacks the imagination to be motivated by a vision of what he would like to do is likely to be stuck in a job he hates. Self-discipline in present time is necessary for future gains.
All human abilities, whether traits like intelligence and courage or skills like musical performance, carpentry, or golf, can be developed only through practice, and practice isn't likely to occur without a vision of future reward. A person who behaves courageously and faithfully is rewarded with personal qualities of courage and faithfulness. Musical, athletic, mechanical, and other skills are rewarded to those who invest effort.
God created a world that rewards effort, faith, and self-discipline. But if God is concerned about the meaningfulness of life at the level of work and survival, is He less concerned about the meaningfulness of our lives in their entirety? Would He be likely to allow someone who has nothing but contempt for fellow human beings to escape the consequences of a long, vicious life? Wouldn’t He be concerned that the efforts of a person who has “by persistence in doing good sought glory, honor and immortality” be rewarded?
Jesus declared:
To everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth (Matthew 25:29-30).
Nothing about the likelihood of future rewards and punishments is inconsistent with our daily experience. Even so, why do normal people deserve hell?
Normal people deserve hell because they are willing participants in the events of a fallen, cruel world.
No one consciously intends all of the evil that results from their actions. The evil that each of us contributes to the natural and spiritual worlds would horrify us if we were capable of or willing to see it. Because we are fallen, we overlook our own sins and focus on the injustices we’ve suffered. We devise a rationale to claim we are “righteous.” We willfully ignore evidence that would shatter cherished illusions about our own goodness, along with the goodness of our family, social class, ethnic group, church, and nation (Jeremiah 17:9).
The Old Testament prophets brought awareness of this self-deception to the people of Israel (Exodus 22:21-23; Psalm 12; Ecclesiastes 5:8-11; Isaiah 1:11-16; Jeremiah 7:4-11; Ezekiel 22:5-12; Amos 5:18-24). The New Testament describes the nature of the evil world system to which we all contribute (Luke 4:5-7; Ephesians 6:12).
We are much worse than we think we are. We have a remarkable determination to deceive ourselves into thinking that the web of social and economic relationships to which we belong is positive or benign. In spite of millions of horrific deaths, we assume our wars are just. We think that we have no responsibility for the violence in the Mideast or for the sweatshops and squalid living conditions of workers in the “developing” third world. This determination to deceive ourselves and cloak ourselves in righteousness and spiritual pride is evil. This aspect of our sin, in fact, is like the sin of the self-righteous Pharisees (Matthew 23:7-15).
But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not think you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not fit to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire” (Matthew 3:7-11).
The willful blindness of the Pharisees to their sin made them incapable of seeking mercy from God or granting mercy to others. Blindness fueled complacency towards, and support of, evil.
Our Creator designed the universe as a cradle for self-awareness and freedom. If we use self-awareness and freedom for evil purposes, we will reap the consequences. We are free creatures in a finite world where the effects of our conscious sins are endlessly multiplied by the laws of cause and effect. If God ignored the consequences of our deliberate decisions, it would violate justice and our integrity. We are all “war criminals,” worthy of the hell we have created.
Israel was our example. The prophets and the Messiah foretold the consequences of Israel’s determination to protect itself through worldly power rather than justice (Psalm 33:16; Isaiah 30:1-3; 31:1; Jeremiah 17:5; Matthew 5:39-47; 23:34-36; 26:51-52; Luke 21:20-24).
If we won't acknowledge our sinfulness and the fact that we deserve punishment, we will rationalize our sins and harden our hearts against truth, grace, and spiritual rebirth. If we won’t repent, we choose to be hell’s citizens.
Hell is the natural destination for every normal person who sees no need for repentance and is unwilling to acknowledge his helplessness apart from God’s grace.
But repentance isn’t enough. No one is strong or pure enough to stand effectively against a fallen world order in the power of the evil one (Luke 4:5-6; John 12:31-32; Ephesians 2:1-2; 6:12). Mere repentance can’t purify us or undo the evil we have done and continue to do.
How can we face the reality of such harsh facts?
How can we be delivered from hell?
Only by basing our righteousness on the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who alone can bear our sins and cure our spiritual disease.
http://www.rbc.org/questionsDetail.aspx?i
Restrain me. Travel bug bit me.
I have this wild desire to take 1 month off everything and homestay in Japan. Or Paris. Or Mexico. Ok...at this moment, I really wanna go Japan.
But, its a loooot of money. Plus...its a waste of money when a lot of people don't have basic necessities.
Still...one can dream.
Procrascination has lead me to trouble. As always.
This time is worse. I actually don't care.
At least I now feel a bit better.
I need help.
I need to be reminded everyday- this whole thing, my whole life is NOT ABOUT ME.
I'm this lazy ass even tho I have a part of me that screams " Come on...GO!"