Vienna

Fri, 13 Mar 2009 15:24:26 GMT

i hate crushes. I hate " things"
it feel JUVENILE.

Never mind its a reminder your hormones are still kicking and alive.

Sigh. I definitely gravitate to tall and dark guys, WHY?!!!

Tue, 17 Feb 2009 04:06:02 GMT

Dear God, bless me indeed. and expand my territory. Please lay ur hand on me and keep me from evil n temptations.
Please give me rest and strength to go on.
Please give me a heart of love and make the hurt disappear.
Let no one have the power to hurt me and let not myself hurt me.
Let me have forgiveness and peace which only You could provide.
Father God, help me. Don't let myself win. Help me build character n send me angels to lift me and push me through.
Father God, I don't want to be extended in my medical posting.. Father God, please heal my hands n feet n give me rest 1 week.
thank u God. In Jesus's name I pray.. amen.

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 13:47:29 GMT

last update was 9 weeks ago

I am tired of the hospital. I don really think i'm really passionate bout my current job n its saddening n depressing.
These days, i'm always thinking bout my memories of holidaying overseas. 3 months without 1 days break has taken its toll on me. I know i could never make it this long with God's strength. Praise God for His mercy

I keep thinking...God, am i being a whiny brat that I can't last doing my internship without whining every morning? God, did u got tired listening to my prayers every morning for a good day n good oncall ahead? God, am I suppose to even be in this field? God, i'm so tired. God, i want to be happy to do this job, the job u wanted me to do. I want to find my sweet spot. I want to love my job.

God..thank u for giving me rest today. Please give me peace n don't let kenny forget to take the TDM vanco n pt/ptt/inr for hafizah. Amen.

God, please let me have a good 1st oncall tomorrow. thank u god...amen.

Sat, 06 Dec 2008 14:07:45 GMT

Dear God, only You would know how I feel now, how discouraged am I, how stressed am I. Am I making too much a fuss? Crying every single day is useless. Who would come n help me out of this whole entire thing? God, I don want to be a doctor. I can't handle it by myself. I can't control my emotions, I feel so lost, so sad. I blame myself for her condition. I know its a team effort but only if i was a bit more aggressive, would it be like this? I am lost. I don't know who am I. I can't handle the responsibility. Dear God Father, why would u do this to me? What am I suppose to do? God, please give me some encouragement, tell me how to hold on, help me to hold on. I can't handle this myself. I need You. Please show me what to do. Father God, if it is Your will...help me do Your will. Help me oh God. So many things runnin thru my head. I'm so anxious so feeling inadequate. What could I say, oh God? I want to just sit down n quit. I'm sorry for not giving thanks to You oh God for the good things You have done for me oh God. Forgive me for being like this. Why didn't u let me go to church today, oh God?

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 16:41:16 GMT

need to switch phone providers/. Can't afford Maxis no more. 300rm pm for phone bills is waaayy crazy!

Thu, 16 Oct 2008 06:05:35 GMT

testing testing. lappy came back from service. so far so good. no jumping just yet. happeeeeeee!

so, still waiting for the letter to come. Amy got pissed after everybody bugging her bout when is induksi just becoz she lives in Putrajaya. Poor darling.

I'm struggling to study n open my books and becoming a raw veggie juice person. VERY HARD

i'm hungry. wonder whats to eat?! Maybe I should go for a swim now? I should but tiba tiba feel veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy lazy as oppose to quite bersemangat this morning. Maybe becoz i got my lappy back!

Mon, 29 Sep 2008 01:53:38 GMT

I went "jogging" with mum yesterday in attempts to make her exercise more. It was soooo boring for me. Too much of merentas desa memories in high school. Not that I could run any faster.

Swimming or dancing much more fun. Belly dance is hard though. one will find out of some muscles that u never knew existed but all this exercise is not moving my fat away. Ikan paus:P

I'm so bored. Too much holidays. Dislike this laptop keys too. Why the cursor keeps jumping n making typing hard to do?
What am I supposed to do today? I feel totally uninspired!!!!

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 05:53:53 GMT

SOOOOOOOOOOO malas.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 18:16:17 GMT

Heard some awful things today.

Betrayal. Discrimination. Downright evil and malicious.

Too horrible to even understand why people are capable of. To think you ARE surrounded by people like this chills your blood.

One thing for sure, this place has taught me more about reality of this world more than medicine.

Tentacles of the civil war in Sri Lanka is evident in Niznhy Novgorod, Russia.

Wed, 09 Jul 2008 22:42:32 GMT

I hate packing...especially the part which ones to leave behind. I should have just gave all my clothes to mummy to bring back. My books weigh a ton. Plus the cleaning. I think I'm coming down with a flu..for all that dust flying around.

Really.. I hate packing. How could anybody fit everything into 20kg baggage limit?

I feel sad leaving this place. It taught me so much.

Tired..but so many stuff to take care before I leave.

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 21:28:58 GMT

"Be still and know I am God "

I have this picture in my head. God so big sitting on His throne and I'm so small..under His feet.

In awe. Words can't say how big and powerful is God. Praise Him for being merciful. I need His mercy n grace ever more so.

Its hard to love yourself when you feel you yourself hard to be loved.

I want to be quiet..and just wait for Him to talk to me, and me to talk to Him. Waiting.

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 15:02:19 GMT

My brain is currently not in terms with what is truth and what is lies. I am confused.

I am at this point where God is trying to refine me. Melting me down.

My conversation with Madeleine:

fiona says:

madeleine...r u busy?

Madeleine says:

wats up

fiona says:

i need a clear perspective

fiona says:

God's perspective

fiona says:

I am really confused

fiona says:

right now

fiona says:

today we had Pead GOS

fiona says:

and I got 4

Madeleine says:

yep

fiona says:

AGAIN.

fiona says:

and I am getting bitter about it

fiona says:

as in......................I dont get it

fiona says:

I don't get the lesson God wants me to learn

fiona says:

I tot the lesson was not to put worldly success infront of Him

fiona says:

and ....last saturday when I was angry for getting a 4 for internal GOS....God sent me this phrase also in Genesis...where He said to Cain...why r u angry n why r u downcast..if u did what is right, then won't u be accepted

fiona says:

today...i think i got a mixtures of lessons

fiona says:

1. I learned that, Holy Spirit is with me. And Jesus is with me until the end of days

fiona says:

2. His grace is the thing made me go on...God is the one who gave me everything

fiona says:

3. I just felt the panel were soooo UNFAIR. When I see people who designated to get a red diplom from internal medicine got a 5 for peads without knowing how to asnwer their questions...i felt bitter

fiona says:

its like...i'm these 2 persons in one

fiona says:

and I'm asking God...didn't I study enough? didn't I do the right thing? did I do something wrong? Am I being punished?

fiona says:

or worse...didn't I believe in You? or Am I asking for the wrong things?!

fiona says:

frankly...i know i don't really care about a red diplom, but I do care about justice.

fiona says:

I don't want to b bitter and angry. I tot I was over it by Sunday after internal exam

fiona says:

but today...everything jumbled up my understanding again

fiona says:

to tell u the truth...I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO THINK NOW

fiona says:

n that's dangerous becoz the devil can throw me a blow straight at me now n leave me in ashes.

fiona says:

i am wondering.........what on earth God wants me to learn? why is He doing this to me ...TWICE!?

Madeleine says:

i was wondering if God was punishing me too

Madeleine says:

but i feel like God wants to bring me to an end of myself

Madeleine says:

that ive been relying on myself too much

Madeleine says:

that its not me it's HIM

Madeleine says:

God wants to do a thorough work in me

Madeleine says:

down to the very depths of my very being

Madeleine says:

he taught me sth last week when we were having the mcqs, that it's only by His grace

Madeleine says:

that i can't do anything of myself

Madeleine says:

i can't do the right thing without Him

Madeleine says:

it's His grace that's keeping me n will keep me

Madeleine says:

n im wondering didnt i learn my lesson why did my results turn out this bad

Madeleine says:

coz i know if He had wanted He could have given me all 5's

Madeleine says:

nothing is too hard for Him

Madeleine says:

n u reminded me that God makes no mistakes

Madeleine says:

He knows what He is doing

Madeleine says:

i don't know why

Madeleine says:

i don't know why He allowed this to happen

Madeleine says:

but i only know who He is, that He's faithful

Madeleine says:

this has been and still is a test of faith

Madeleine says:

whether in this time i can still trust Him

Madeleine says:

whether i can still sing His praise

Madeleine says:

do His work

Madeleine says:

it's His refining fire burning thru me

Madeleine says:

burning away d rubbish in my life

Madeleine says:

it's what i've asked for and He is doing it

Madeleine says:

there's no way to grow without pain

Madeleine says:

no refining without pain

Madeleine says:

john 15

fiona says:

Test of faith n refining , I tot that was my lesson last GOS exam. Today I went it relying on God. But I don't understand why He doesn't want me to have that 5 for peads

fiona says:

Maybe God want to melt me down more

Madeleine says:

yeah

Madeleine says:

n to teach us to trust in who He is, that's He is faithful, that He is good, despite the circumstances

Madeleine says:

purify us

fiona says:

How come my heart is bitter towards those people?

Madeleine says:

you have to choose to let this make u better n not bitter

Madeleine says:

it's a normal human reaction

fiona says:

i was thinking...God is doing this now because He needs us to be more focused on Him in very near future.

Madeleine says:

yes

Madeleine says:

for a building to be tall the foundation has to go down deep

fiona says:

Roots like the mighty oak tree that shows the splendor of the LORD

Madeleine says:

was just thinking that this life is not about us

Madeleine says:

not about how we will succeed

Madeleine says:

but we're here to reflect Him

Madeleine says:

if we haven't been thru failure or heartbreak how do we minister to ppl who are going thru it

Madeleine says:

sometimes we've to walk the path to show ppl how to walk it

fiona says:

hey...i was just reading that too...that we are a window not a mirror.That God comforts us so we can comfort others

Madeleine says:

by the witness or two or three a thing is established

fiona says:

Isn't it funny when hardships come, especially lessons that need to be learnt spiritually...there is always some things happening to make u distracted from God?

fiona says:

like me...trying to learn the lessons of being slow to anger...somebody come up n twist the knife and commented y couldn't I get a 5 for internal GOS

Madeleine says:

like Jesus being nailed to the cross for things He didn't do and someone says if you are God come down from there

Madeleine says:

and laughing at Him

Madeleine says:

being identified with Christ

Madeleine says:

if my master shld be laughed at, what about His disciples

Madeleine says:

and yet if we die with Him we shall also live with Him

fiona says:

Its starting...isn't it? Bearing the cross part

fiona says:

i notice that God knows the levels of maturity we have in Him

fiona says:

and when we push thru, He puts us into another higher level of maturity knowing Him

Madeleine says:

fix ur eyes upon Him

Madeleine says:

Job found comfort in who God is

Madeleine says:

in all His questioins God thru Elihu showed Him who He is

Madeleine says:

that God has been there since the beginning of time who are we to question Him

fiona says:

yeah! NO mistakes.

fiona says:

am looking foward to today

fiona says:

and tomorrow

Madeleine says:

Heb 13:12 So Jesus also suffered outside the gate in order to sanctify the people through his own blood. (RSV)Heb 13:13 Therefore let us go forth to him outside the camp and bear the abuse he endured. (RSV)

fiona says:

thanks madeleine

fiona says:

u ministered n gave me understanding

fiona says:

thank u

Madeleine says:

thank u too

Madeleine says:

now i'm sure God has a purpose in all this

fiona says:

yeah.

fiona says:

We just have to walk thru the doors He open for us

Madeleine says:

yep

Thank God. He gave me a friend and lead me to understanding to His purpose. I am thankful. God is great and merciful to me.

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 06:01:34 GMT

Pain of disappointment. I forgot how bad pain feels like but I remembered that pain is growth when I turn to God.

Still, I am angry. Angry at myself for caring so much for self vainity.
I am also angry at unfairness. I am angry that I thought these 6 years of hard work was a waste. I am angry at myself for putting so much importance n hope on a piece of paper named "Red Diploma"

I am also angry at people saying don't be sad, what happened to you. I know they are trying to help but please, no words. You will not understand that those kind of words hurt me most. Why? Because it makes me feel I should settle for merely crumbs. I hate that. I want it all. Those words somewhat translates to "its okay to settle"

Most of all, I am angry at myself for seeking approval of the world and forgeting that God is the one who rules me.

But by the grace of God, I am what I am, and His grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them- yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me! 1st Corinthians 15:10

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 06:26:16 GMT

gyiyhjpio,lkjhjvgcdxzerc6v7tgbiyhnjokkl;po09u8y76tcfvgbhjnkm,l/...........................

Sat, 31 May 2008 17:17:54 GMT

It makes sense that unusually evil people might deserve God’s judgment, but how could normal people deserve eternal punishment?

There are no “normal people.” Everyone deserves judgment. We are fallen creatures under a spiritual curse in a fallen world (Romans 8:18-23). Apart from God’s grace, hell is our natural state of being. Apart from God’s grace, this world would be a place of unmitigated horror and suffering.

In the natural world, a desperate struggle for survival defines existence. The strong survive by dominating or devouring the weak. Apart from God’s love, humans would never rise above the level of the law of fang and claw. An idealistic person might reject the natural order and try to establish a higher definition for good and evil than mere survival, but the weight of fallen reality would crush him. The meaninglessness of his efforts would be a vivid example of hell’s power.

Many people consider the ideas of heaven and hell too abstract to make a difference in their lives. They think it is hard to even conceive of hell and heaven, much less to be influenced by the fear of future punishment or desire for future reward. But before they dismiss the reality of heaven and hell, they should think a little more carefully. Heaven and hell are confirmed by daily experience.

Human experience affirms that virtue, honesty, and discipline are usually rewarded, while laziness, carelessness, and dishonesty bring trouble. Young children have a limited attention span with little capacity to be drawn to anything not of immediate interest. But when children become teens and adults, they are more aware of the future. The realities of life show them that the accomplishment of anything that matters requires faith, self-discipline, and work. An adult who lacks the imagination to be motivated by a vision of what he would like to do is likely to be stuck in a job he hates. Self-discipline in present time is necessary for future gains.

All human abilities, whether traits like intelligence and courage or skills like musical performance, carpentry, or golf, can be developed only through practice, and practice isn't likely to occur without a vision of future reward. A person who behaves courageously and faithfully is rewarded with personal qualities of courage and faithfulness. Musical, athletic, mechanical, and other skills are rewarded to those who invest effort.

God created a world that rewards effort, faith, and self-discipline. But if God is concerned about the meaningfulness of life at the level of work and survival, is He less concerned about the meaningfulness of our lives in their entirety? Would He be likely to allow someone who has nothing but contempt for fellow human beings to escape the consequences of a long, vicious life? Wouldn’t He be concerned that the efforts of a person who has “by persistence in doing good sought glory, honor and immortality” be rewarded?

Jesus declared:

To everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth (Matthew 25:29-30).

Nothing about the likelihood of future rewards and punishments is inconsistent with our daily experience. Even so, why do normal people deserve hell?

Normal people deserve hell because they are willing participants in the events of a fallen, cruel world.

No one consciously intends all of the evil that results from their actions. The evil that each of us contributes to the natural and spiritual worlds would horrify us if we were capable of or willing to see it. Because we are fallen, we overlook our own sins and focus on the injustices we’ve suffered. We devise a rationale to claim we are “righteous.” We willfully ignore evidence that would shatter cherished illusions about our own goodness, along with the goodness of our family, social class, ethnic group, church, and nation (Jeremiah 17:9).

The Old Testament prophets brought awareness of this self-deception to the people of Israel (Exodus 22:21-23; Psalm 12; Ecclesiastes 5:8-11; Isaiah 1:11-16; Jeremiah 7:4-11; Ezekiel 22:5-12; Amos 5:18-24). The New Testament describes the nature of the evil world system to which we all contribute (Luke 4:5-7; Ephesians 6:12).

We are much worse than we think we are. We have a remarkable determination to deceive ourselves into thinking that the web of social and economic relationships to which we belong is positive or benign. In spite of millions of horrific deaths, we assume our wars are just. We think that we have no responsibility for the violence in the Mideast or for the sweatshops and squalid living conditions of workers in the “developing” third world. This determination to deceive ourselves and cloak ourselves in righteousness and spiritual pride is evil. This aspect of our sin, in fact, is like the sin of the self-righteous Pharisees (Matthew 23:7-15).

But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees coming to where he was baptizing, he said to them: “You brood of vipers! Who warned you to flee from the coming wrath? Produce fruit in keeping with repentance. And do not think you can say to yourselves, ‘We have Abraham as our father.’ I tell you that out of these stones God can raise up children for Abraham. The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire. I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not fit to carry. He will baptize you with the Holy Spirit and with fire” (Matthew 3:7-11).

The willful blindness of the Pharisees to their sin made them incapable of seeking mercy from God or granting mercy to others. Blindness fueled complacency towards, and support of, evil.

Our Creator designed the universe as a cradle for self-awareness and freedom. If we use self-awareness and freedom for evil purposes, we will reap the consequences. We are free creatures in a finite world where the effects of our conscious sins are endlessly multiplied by the laws of cause and effect. If God ignored the consequences of our deliberate decisions, it would violate justice and our integrity. We are all “war criminals,” worthy of the hell we have created.

Israel was our example. The prophets and the Messiah foretold the consequences of Israel’s determination to protect itself through worldly power rather than justice (Psalm 33:16; Isaiah 30:1-3; 31:1; Jeremiah 17:5; Matthew 5:39-47; 23:34-36; 26:51-52; Luke 21:20-24).

If we won't acknowledge our sinfulness and the fact that we deserve punishment, we will rationalize our sins and harden our hearts against truth, grace, and spiritual rebirth. If we won’t repent, we choose to be hell’s citizens.

Hell is the natural destination for every normal person who sees no need for repentance and is unwilling to acknowledge his helplessness apart from God’s grace.

But repentance isn’t enough. No one is strong or pure enough to stand effectively against a fallen world order in the power of the evil one (Luke 4:5-6; John 12:31-32; Ephesians 2:1-2; 6:12). Mere repentance can’t purify us or undo the evil we have done and continue to do.

How can we face the reality of such harsh facts?

How can we be delivered from hell?

Only by basing our righteousness on the Son of God, Jesus Christ, who alone can bear our sins and cure our spiritual disease.

http://www.rbc.org/questionsDetail.aspx?id=51646

Fri, 30 May 2008 18:14:07 GMT

Restrain me. Travel bug bit me.

I have this wild desire to take 1 month off everything and homestay in Japan. Or Paris. Or Mexico. Ok...at this moment, I really wanna go Japan.

But, its a loooot of money. Plus...its a waste of money when a lot of people don't have basic necessities.

Still...one can dream.

Tue, 27 May 2008 21:54:13 GMT

Procrascination has lead me to trouble. As always.

This time is worse. I actually don't care.

At least I now feel a bit better.

I need help.

I need to be reminded everyday- this whole thing, my whole life is NOT ABOUT ME.

I'm this lazy ass even tho I have a part of me that screams " Come on...GO!"

Sat, 24 May 2008 19:56:24 GMT

I'm sad yet happy. I will miss them so much. They had a candle light dinner farewell for us last year students. It was so much effort in organizing such things and I'm so blessed because they don't have to do it and they did.

I found God in Russia. As in truly found Him, know Him,love Him. And He blessed me with people who really loves Him. They are my support and encouragement in my walk with Jesus. In some ways, I don't want to leave because I have them and I don't know where to go for church in Malaysia....

Tue, 13 May 2008 18:27:36 GMT

Brave
(Nichole Nordeman, Jay Joyce)

The gate is wide
The road is paved in moderation
The crowd is kind and quick to pull you in
Welcome to the middle ground
You're safe and sound and
Until now it's where I've been

'Cause it's been fear that ties me down to everything
But it's been love, Your love, that cuts the strings

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I am small
And I speak when I'm spoken to
But I am willing to risk it all
I say Your name
Just Your name and I'm ready to jump
Even ready to fall...

Why did I take this vow of compromise?
Why did I try to keep it all inside?

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

I've never known a fire that didn't begin with a flame
Every storm will start with just a drop of rain
But if you believe in me
That changes everything
So long, I'm gone

So long status quo
I think I just let go
You make me want to be brave
I wanna be brave
The way it always was
Is no longer good enough
You make me want to be brave
Brave, brave

This song is me.

Tue, 13 May 2008 18:22:20 GMT

We Live"

There's a cross on the side of the road
Where a mother lost her son
How could she know that the morning he left
Would be the last time she'd trade with him for a little more time
(so she could say she loved him one last time)
And hold him tight
But with life we never know when we're coming up to the end of the road
So what do we do then
With tragedy around the bend

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

There's a man who waits for the tests to
See if the cancer had spread yet
And now he asks why did I wait to live 'til it was time to die
If I could have the time back, how I'd live
Life is such a gift
So how does the story end?
Well, this is your story and it all depends
So don't let it become true
Get out and do what we were meant to do

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

Waking up to another dark morning
People are mourning
The weather in life outside is storming
But what would it take for the clouds to break
For us to realize each day
Is a gift somehow, someway
And get our heads up out of this darkness
And spark this new mindset and start on with life cuz it ain't gone yet
And tragedy's a reminder to take off the blinders and wake up
(to live the life)
We're supposed to take up
(moving forward)
With all our heads up
Cuz life is worth living

We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love
We live, we love, we forgive and never give up
Cuz the days we are given are gifts from above
And today we remember to live and to love

I like gospel rock. I mean this song by Superchick brings butterflies to my soul...hehe.

Tue, 06 May 2008 13:29:34 GMT

I'm not quite getting it.

I'm trying my best to put my finger on which and what lesson God wants me to learn.

Still, I dislike immature attitude. It is bothering me.

What kind a world we live in when the action of giving 10rubles to a beggar is criticized as not a good thing to do?

And the comment was something like..." Why did you give the money to the beggar? He looks well groomed besides the leg brace. I would rather give the old lady before the beggar money."

People always like to give comments on something but I realized that nobody want to DO anything.

I gave that beggar money because I passed him everyday last week and gave other people who wanted donation except him until I feel guilty for not considering him worthy for some mercy.

If giving money to a beggar is wrong, then why couldn't anybody organize to give food for the poor? The thing is, there is a church to do that but how many people could willingly go to the church to donate food, money and energy to help out? Do you have to time to go buy food for a beggar and go back to give him/her?

Then, what are you supposed to do? Ignore him/her?

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:52:35 GMT

Somedays...I feel I'm old. Or separated from others.

Others talk about going clubbing. Gossiping. Whose fault was it. Money. Partners. Who is marrying who. Who is wearing what. Career choices. Which makes most money. Which is more prestigious. Bla bla bla.

Not that I don't think of it. But...there must be something more than all this!!

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 15:28:29 GMT

Anvil Time by Max Lucado

On God’s anvil.
Perhaps you’ve been there. Melted down. Formless. Undone.
Placed on the anvil for reshaping? (A few rough edges too many.)
Discipline? (A good father disciplines.)
Testing? (But why so hard?)

I know. I’ve been on it. It’s rough. It’s a spiritual slump, a famine. The fire goes out. Although the fire may flame for a moment, it soon disappears. We drift downward. Downward into the foggy valley of question, the misty lowland of discouragement. Motivation wanes. Desire is distant. Responsibilities are depressing. Passion? It slips out the door. Enthusiasm? Are you kidding?

Anvil time.

It can be caused by a death, a breakup, going broke, going prayerless. The light switch is flipped off and the room darkens. “All the thoughtful words of help and hope have all been nicely said. But I’m still hurting, wondering…..”

On the anvil.

Brought face to face with God out of the utter realization that we have nowhere else to go. Jesus in the garden. Peter with a tear-streaked face. David after Bathsheba. Elijah and the “still, small voice.” Paul, blind in Damascus.

Pound, pound, pound.

I hope you’re not on the anvil. (Unless you need to be, and if so, I hope you are.)Anvil time is not to be avoided; it’s to be experienced. Although the tunnel is dark, it does go through the mountain. Anvil time reminds us of who we are and who God is.

We shouldn’t try to escape it. To escape it could be to escape God.

God sees our life from beginning to end. He may lead us through a storm at age thirty so we can endure a hurricane at age sixty. An instrument is useful only if it’s in the right shape. A dull ax or bent screwdriver needs attention, and so do we. A good blacksmith keeps his tools in shape. So does God.

Should God place you on his anvil, be thankful. It means he thinks you’re still worth reshaping.

this came into my email from Madeleine. It came into that period where I needed it but I didn't open it till yesterday. Still, anvil time. I have so many of this recently-being spiritually sick! Every time a big wall come up, stumbles, or something not right in my life, I will get discouraged. Yes, just like the light switched off...my soul dark. Empty. Sometimes, I thought, this is just too hard and giving up seems better than this feeling of meltdown. I will ignore praying, I will ignore Him even scream at Him in my head until I got so restless and unhappy and have a headache then I will in the end, unevitably search His face again to find peace for my soul.

But "He may leads us through a storm at age thirty so we can endure a hurricade at age sixty" I realized, my God Father knows best. Maybe I have so much of this meltdown now so I can endure the worse later. And most probably the worse is near. I am grateful to have Him to loves me much. I am grateful He never gave up on me, time and time again.

But sometimes, I wish its easier! =)

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalms 46:10

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:22:57 GMT

Somebody asked me "how to be sexy". That really puzzled me.
My cousin asked me, "how to take meridia". That shocked me. She has normal BMI ok.
Friends need to diet because their faces are born round.

I think, we are being brainwashed with the idea that being thin, being beautiful, being handsome, being successful, having our desires fulfilled are more important than what is inside our souls. Nobody wants to admit that they are slaves to the term "SHEEP" which follows what is normal in the eyes of the world. I mean, I do lust over Daniel Henny which is tall, gorgeous, handsome and muscled!

The people who are thin, rich, successful, bla bla blah...aren't that happy either. Thin won't make you happy. I saw that with my own eyes. Being beautiful outwards is not a guarantee you don't get dumped either.

I get really tired of being brainwashed. I hate being fed lies!
Somedays, can I just give up living? Life could be so bleak with this kind of living.

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 19:08:03 GMT

Long day. Very bad day actually. 1st time ever I got so much scolding. It wasn't that bad per se but still...I'm trying to get over it because I know more than that, really. I have to remember that only God and Jesus's opinion of me counts.

Sometimes, I know I think too much about what people think of me. I tend to want to please people. I do things well to please my parents, my teachers, my friends. Not that what I do is bad, but the motive is not quite right! I guess today, maybe God is trying to tell me something?

I won't forget what I learnt today for Obstetrics. I only hope I could use the knowledge. Still, the words hurt. oh, just forget bout the bad parts and learn the good stuff. I might get screamed at so much during housemanship anyway.